Anonymous asked: Dear Mister Misses,
I've always been that girl, the one that has to be in relationships to feel special and to make others feel special. Since I was 16 I have had a boyfriend or a significant person that I date. Just recently, I decided that I wasn't going to start a relationship with anyone for awhile for many reason. A) I was seriously hurt and don't want to go through that heartache again anytime soon B) I want to form friendships with people instead of it having to be purely sexual or purely emotional C) Since the last break up I've had the chance to focus more on the parts of me that aren't solely emotional meaning I actually find myself wanting to try new things on my own, going places on my own, see new things about myself and able to bloom so to speak, become my own person.
Because of all this I have somewhat shut off the emotional part of me to an extent and focused more on everything else but I can't seem to open up to people on an emotional level just yet. At times I want to but it feels unnatural now. It's almost like I push them away when the feelings start to get serious. I don't want to change who I am but I don't want to push people away either. I also have certain people in my life that seem to think that this is a wrong way to be. Ultimately, I am very happy with my decision.
I focus more on the inner workings of myself instead of losing myself in someone else. I find its easier for me to start meeting new people but then those people sometimes want more from me, whether its just sex or my heart. I feel like some people look at me as a challenge now or something that needs to be fixed.
My questions are: Is it really so wrong to want to just have simplicity right now? To know people without a reason such as trying to have sex with them or trying fall in love with them. But just to know them purely because they seem like a great person to know.
Is it possible to have a balance between staying true to myself and my decisions and not losing people because of those same decisions?
Dear Special Girl,
I applaud you. Too often, we bounce from relationship to relationship, never stopping to breathe and ask ourselves “Why am i doing this?” Sometimes it’s best to just pause, and take a breather to reevaluate what exactly you’re looking for.
Losing yourself in relationships is one of the major dangers of hopping from relationship to relationship, where we only can imagine ourselves as 1 of 2. And if we are alone, we only see ourselves as a zero. I am glad that you have recognized that you have lost yourself in others, but i’m afraid that this unnatural feeling when you push people away, the fear of losing people, and even the fact that you’re asking this question, means you’re not as sure about your current reaction as you want to be.
If you are happy, then what’s the problem? To me, it seems you’ve created a definition of emotional attachment that is inseparable from pain, causing you to believe that your happiness is completely dependent on your…independence. To gain an emotional attachment is to lose the happiness, that is a deal you’re unwilling to make. But fortunately, you do not have to make that decision.
It is possible to have a balance between staying true to yourself and not losing people, because it is not an either-or decision. People will want different relationships with you, and its your responsibility and theirs, to agree on what relationship you want. You will lose people, you will find people, and you will encounter all different levels of desire and commitment from them. This is a part of life, and to be an emotionally mature adult, you have to learn how to handle that not everyone wants to just know you for you, and that’s not wrong of them. If you find yourself constantly entering relationships that inch closer and closer to a place you don’t want, you should consider that you may be pruning that tree in the wrong direction. Cut off the twigs of romance as soon as they appear, and the shape of your bonsai will develop as desired.
Know what you want, and don’t settle for anything less. Relationships will grow, but you will water them, and if the weeds become too numerous, hack them down. A relationship is not a battle between friendship and emotion, emotional attachment is not the executioner of happiness, and balance is not a decision of you versus everyone. If you are happy, keep doing what you’re doing, but know what you are doing and how it makes you happy. If it hurts so hard to lose someone, then do what you can to keep them. If it hurts just to need someone, then do what you must to lose them. But never cut off your own limbs, so you wont reach out, or cut out your heart so that it will stop that annoying constant drumming. You need to feel to be alive, because we can’t live a life of no regrets, if we don’t go outside into a world of constant tragedy.
