Anonymous asked: I recently broke up with my boyfriend of a couple years. We had a sort of turbulent relationship that was marked by a lot of intense ups and downs, and I finally got to the point where the bad outweighed the good and I needed to end it.
About a week goes by after breaking up and I reactivate my OkCupid account, just to see what's out there. I immediately get some messages from creepsters and so I start trading online dating war stories with a friend of mine. He tells me about this guy with x and y careers who his friend went out with a few years ago who turned out to be a crazy pathological liar. X and y happen to be unusual distinctive things that my recently ex-boyfriend also had done, and I got this kind of sinking feeling. I asked him to find out the name and sure enough it was my ex.
So this girl very nicely gives me a call and tells me a lot of the crazy behavior that went on while they were dating as well as all of these things that he lied to her about (which she found out when a girl that he was cheating on her with called her while they were dating). As she was talking, a lot of things that during our relationship I wrote off as me being paranoid started to make a lot of sense. I felt like an idiot, but I also felt kind of relieved that maybe I wasn't just insane to doubt a lot of the stuff he was telling me.
Ever since I found out about all this stuff I keep having crazy dreams in which my ex is, like, pushing me out windows and stuff. I really want to confront him about it, but I'm wondering if there is anything to be gained by it. Should I just acknowledge that our relationship was pretty fucked up and try to move on? Or should I try and talk to him about it and see if he has anything to say, or at least just let him know what I know? The problem is that the breakup was actually pretty amicable and we decided to try and stay friends, but I feel so betrayed and hurt and angry that I don't think that I can do that now. So... what do I do?
Dear Falling out of Love’s Window,
Being in a relationship is very much like being in a dream. We let ourselves have these flights of fancy, without really worrying how high we are flying, and how the fall will be when we melt the wax between two people.
It’s very important, that when you break up, you make sure you glide down on your own, try not to crash too hard, and get your wings ready to fly again one day. It’s often too easy, to hold on to any vestige of the relationship, even if the ending was amicable, it still sucks like crazy, and it’s always too easy to go back to who comforted you the most at one time. Unfortunately, you can not, because they are also the one who could hurt you the most, especially after a breakup.
I’d’ve told you sooner, to not even explore this mysterious circumstance that led to your ex being another person’s ex. Sometimes, we are gluttons for punishment, and as if the shit you put up with wasn’t enough during a relationship, we decide to go back for second helpings like another bowl of shit ice cream. But it seems, it was an unfortunate coincidence somewhat beyond your control.
But now that you know, what do you do? Nothing, and have nothing to do with your ex. There’s no reason to try and stay friends, and although it sometimes feel like the right thing to do, who gives a shit? No one is gonna hold it against you that you stopped being friends, and your ex doesn’t necessarily deserve friendship, because you’ve already decided that your relationship didn’t work to begin with. When we try to be friends, it only works after a sufficient amount of cooling down time, to allow yourselves to heal, so that you don’t end up in a metaphorical bed together fingering each other’s wounds. To let go, you must completely let go, and although you discovered all this mysterious garbage, you gotta throw it away like so much trash. You only feel so betrayed because you’re still connected, which is exactly the opposite of a breakup.
In the end, what could he do about it? Say sorry? How many sorry’s have you heard already? Not care at all? If he cared so much, he wouldn’t be a pathological liar. Your personalities are still too entwined to really make a switch to friendship so soon, and too entwined to protect yourself in the meantime. Let it go. Perhaps you dream of falling out of windows because he’s pushed you out before, being a cheater, being a liar, but now you know you need to leap to your depths, as a way to escape.
Let yourself fall, the shock of dropping will only wake you up.
