waiting.
The last hour, or half hour, before seeing someone is always the strangest. Like a twilight of emotions, but each time, it’s like the first time you saw the sun set…or rise. No matter how often i go on a date with a new person, no matter how many good dates, or awkward ones, or drunk hookups i have, the last hour before meeting them is undeniably the longest.
Things i do in this last hour:
If in transit, i will check out other girls. Sometimes, i get the vague thrill, that i’ll somehow find the love of my life in transit to a forgettable date. A smile from a stranger, a slow motion glance, marks the minutes between here-and-there. But these people just pass on by, and i find that there’s only a sleeping mexican in the car with me now, and i have no fantasies with him to pass the time. So i listen to music. I usually listen to hiphop. These are some musical selections i find motivating:
Kid Cudi - Man on the Moon
A lot of Jay Z and/or Kanye West
“I get around” by Tupac
“10 Crack Commandments” by Notorious B.I.G
“My kind of town” by Frank Sinatra
Basically, any over the top projections of masculinity allow me to approach any particular date with confidence and “swagger”. I’ve tried not listening to these types of songs, and i go in like a dandelion approaching a thunderstorm.
If i’m waiting for them to come to me, such as if i’m early, i will drink. I will drink and stare at the absence of a focus. I can’t read, because i don’t like to be surprised, nor do i like to appear to have noticed them as they enter the room, and if they are beautiful, I seem to have noticed them before they even enter the room. But if they look terrible, or just not like anything, my chest deflates a little, and i think “Maybe she’s funny?” Either way, i tend to look anywhere but at them, and allow them to approach me first. Why? It feels safer, like they are entering my mental home. “Hey! Have you been here long?”
“Oh, no, not really! Nice to see you! You look nice.” Inevitably, i tell every girl she looks nice. They usually do, and i think i’d like to hear it if i just met a strange guy.
If i’m waiting for them to arrive at my home, rare, but possible. Or could be a second or third date, the first time they see my home is always something. I don’t want to appear too prepared, nor do i want to be interrupted. This just leaves me a bit frozen while i wait. I can’t really begin any work, and so my heart beats and beats and beats. Music sounds like noise, bed feels like bricks, chair feels like butter, stomach churns. Its not really nervousness, its more a brain frizziness. I shower, i shower too soon.
Ultimately, it is the phone call or text, that becomes everyone but hers each time i check it. “Why mom? Why must you care about how to install a modem now? No, i’m not in a bad mood” or “Why room mate, must you come home now and plant in front of your computer, a human gargoyle?”
When we meet, it all disappears. And i just try to make them laugh.
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agirlacity reblogged this from mistermisses and added:
awesome. mistermisses:
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mistermisses posted this
