Mister Misses Answers your Questions

Anonymous asked: Can you ever be friends with an ex? I've tried. Several times. Each time it ends badly and I think whyBut there's always something that makes me think about her again. It's not like I'm looking for a relationship again. I'm sure I've traumatized her enough. But I can't shake the feeling that she needs to be in my life somehow. How do I get her back even just to say hi.

Dear Heliocentric Ex-Boyfriend,

Stop being a dickass. You know what breaking up is for? Reducing (possibly to zero) the amount of time you spend with a person you once spent a lot of time with. It’s not so that you can come back in a few months, and be like “Hey wassup?” Yeah, some people stay friends with their exes, but i’d say it’s more common that after a relationship is over, it’s perfectly acceptable and even encouraged, you go your separate ways.

But the way you’ve worded it, “..get her back” You ain’t getting shit back. The whole ‘just to say hi’ is bullshit as soon as you said the ‘get her back’ part. Especially after you’ve admitted to traumatizing her. Just because you can’t deal with your own unresolved feelings for her, doesn’t mean you should make her take a dip with you in the self-pity pool.

You know why it ends badly? Cause you keep trying to reanimate this relationship, night of the living dead style.  You’ve lost your damn brains. Next time, you think about shambling back into her life, remember, George Romero made 2 good sequels to his first classic zombie film, so you’re probably on Land of the Living Dead territory, and that movie sucked. And most likely, i’m giving you too much credit anyway. 

goinowen asked: How does the study of observational drawing change the way you view the world?

You know, i realllly hate drawing from life. I can’t stand looking at a thing, and having to draw it. But sometimes, i gotta. To be honest, a lot of times, i’ll have something right in front of me, but i’ll photograph it, and then draw from THAT. But hey, i don’t draw to prove anything to myself, so i don’t feel bad for not wanting to draw things i see.

But a lot of how i draw, is very highly detailed, and it has changed how i see things. Whenever i see some highly complex machine, or a landscape of rubble and trash, i imagine that i’m mentally photographing the scene. Rapidly clicking my eye camera, so that i preserve just how the elements are arranged.

I believe there’s patterns in chaotic environments, and its that pattern that you have to recreate, to convincingly render a pleasing composition. Otherwise, you get just too much clutter, but with no way to make sense of it.  

Anonymous asked: Dear Mister Misses, I'm in college and have a question that pertains to both creative fields and school workshops. Basically, I have to give and receive notes on stories all the time by classmates who have by extension of our time spent together, also become my friends. One of these friends has betrayed me in the past socially, and when I give them notes or suggestions in class (or out of it) that they use, I never get thanks or attribution. Should I let this affect the quality help I give them?

Dear Note Aboriginal American Giver,

This sounds like you have more things going on between this friend of yours than just giving notes. A note is not a major rewrite, edit or other substantial correction of any one’s work, it is just a note. A personal thanks, would be appropriate, but if i included in everything i wrote, every note that a person said in passing, that i did or did not use, or forgot who suggested what, you’d have a whole nother book of attributions.

When we’re doing someone a favor, it’s important that aren’t the type of person that keeps track of every single favor you do for a person. That doesn’t make you a good friend, that makes you a loan shark. If someone is really close to you, and they include you in their ‘thanks’ page, or whatever they choose, you should feel happy that your input meant so much to them. But with a lot of creative work, half the time you get input, you’re silently saying “Yeah, no. That doesn’t work at all.”

Unless you’re being PAID to fix a person’s work, or you two have signed a contract, that’s the only time you should be getting credit. But it seems you’re more upset with this person, than with your lack of credit, and you should deal with that first.

A good rule of thumb, is don’t mix friends and business. And if you do, make sure you have in writing where your friendship ends, and the business begins. Contracts don’t just protect your finances, they protect your relationships. You are just friends, or were, and your help shouldn’t come with stipulations.

You’re treating your notes as if they owe you something back. Attach a dollar sign to it, and then you can fret about what’s owed to you.

Anonymous asked: MM, I find it difficult to craft one tidy question on something as complicated as relationships. So many puzzle pieces. But we are all really asking the same thing: How do we love ourselves and let love in? We all try too hard. What's heaviest on my head is compromise. What is worth compromising in a relationship? I've had a busy six months feeling romantic interests out and all seem to lack in one area or another. And now my intuition has banished me to the waiting room. Impending Mr. "Right".

Dear Schrodinger’s Catch,

So much of your questions, reflect a certain wrongness. Areas where you might’ve felt you could’ve given more of a chance to, times where you were too guarded, and other times you tried too hard. But the first question was “How do we love ourselves?” Let’s simplify - how do you love yourself?

When we are in a relationship, there is this protection from isolation, of realizing how alone we really are. The puzzle pieces lose their boundaries, and we don’t have to feel so fractured. But when we are single, not only do we come apart a bit, but we sometimes can’t find all the pieces. And like a puzzle missing some pieces, it is left on the shelf while all the others go off to form perfect portraits posted on facebook walls.

But it’s not banishment, and its not surprising that you’ve gone through many But it’s not banishment, and its not surprising that you’ve gone through many potential interests. There is someone out there, who is currently looking for exactly you. But (un)fortunately, you are rare. There is only one of you, and you are hiding amongst very similar but not just right people. Every day, people are playing Where’s Waldo with the person they want to love. But no one wears a characteristic red-and-white snow cap, it’s only after falling in love with someone, that their smile becomes the obvious giveaway. In the crowd, they somehow exist as if on an empty page.

Thinking in terms of who can be Mr.Right, means you’re forgetting all about you. How are you right for another person? Because after all, you’re the most important person to the man you haven’t met yet, and he’d want to know that you can do right all by yourself.

Anonymous asked: A friend of mine is dating a man who's known to be a notorious cheater and womanizer, and I've heard from various people about him cheating on her in public. He also noticeably disrespects her in front of mixed company. However, she isn't open to considering that he might be unfaithful even when I've tried to suggest that as a reason why he might do suspicious things that upsets her. Should I tell her what other people claim to have witnessed, even if I risk alienating them both as friends?

Dear You Juz Jealouz! Y dun u juz mind yo biznezz?!,

Sometimes, relationships are like silk cocoons. In the beginning, you’re just this cool little caterpillar, eating leaves, chillin’ out, not giving a shit, but then you enter a relationship, and you begin to change. For whatever reason, many of us have had times where we just WANT a relationship, even if it ends up being a shitty one, you still stay in it. All of the fears we have, about being alone, about no one liking us, we spew all that bullshit, to form this nice little chrysalis of denial and preservation.

We tell ourselves that you believe that they’ll change, that this time, we trust each other. But really, the only way you accept such garbage, is by changing who you are. The sad thing is, while you’re hanging around, this sad little Metapod, just using harden everytime you get hurt (Yes, a pokemon reference), your friends still remember and enjoyed your cute little fuzzy caterpillar self. And every time they remind you of the obvious truth in front of you, it can cut right through your silken fortress.

So as a friend, sometimes, you just gotta say “Well fuck you, see you when you evolve into butterfree,” Because if common sense, and basic observational skills weren’t enough to reveal her boyfriend’s douchebag tendencies, then she doesnt want to reveal them. Why doesn’t she? Maybe as a friend you can ask her about that. But that might be a difficult convo to have too.

If you’ve seen something yourself, tell her, but if it’s a friend of a friend…eh. Rumors are rumors. Life isn’t the maury povich show, so don’t go making facts out of what can be fiction. It seems you’ve seen plenty already to prove he’s not a good boyfriend, so cheating might not even end that relationship.

In the end, the best thing you can do for a friend who’s making poor decisions, is let them fuck up royally. Consequences is how we learn to not repeat mistakes, and if you keep repeating mistakes, maybe you just got a friend with issues, and that’s up to you if you wanna keep dealing with that. Everybody’s gotta learn sometimes, but half the lessons we’ll learn in our life, are because we didn’t listen the first time.

Anonymous asked: What inspired you to start an advice column?

I think when i look back, at past relationships of mine, good and bad, i always seem to have the same bad habit. Mainly, i talk too much. It’s extremely hard for me to keep my thoughts to myself, even if i know that it’s really best to say nothing at all. Really sweet moment? Here’s comes a soliloquy. Argument is over? Here come’s my closing argument.

I’m aware of it, but that doesn’t really solve anything. People who know who i am, often ask if i follow my own advice, and i always say “nope”. I dont think it’s possible to follow your own advice, if it was, it wouldn’t be advice, it’d just you be doing the right thing to begin with. But then again, i sometimes don’t like what doing the right thing is.

To be honest, sometimes i prefer to fuck up, if only for that fleeting moment, where nothing matters while you utter the words, “Fuck this shit,” But there’s more to it. I talk too much, because it sometimes feels as if my emotions don’t exist until i speak words to them. Yes, i can love a person, but it’s just a scattering of impulses and thoughts, until i direct them all into the physical action of speaking or writing.

But right now, i don’t love anyone, at least not romantically. I work from home, which means for many hours, i’m actually completely silent. No words are spoken, no feelings are shared. Being able to go through other people’s confusion and problems, somehow relaxes me. At night, before i go to bed, i answer a question, and the answer sheds light on where i am in my life.

I live in a city, where across a wall from me, lives an entire family i’ve never spoken to. We are all living our lives, we are all going through good times and bad times. And i like to know that everyone is still out there, when everything is quiet and everyone is far.